Before I became a Plagueist, I was lost. My mother was ill, confined to her bed. I was out of a job and having no luck in securing a new one. My romantic life was a joke, and it was beginning to seem inevitable that I would die without feeling the warmth of companionship.
After joining the Plague, all of that changed.
But before I continue, you must understand the nature of my and my mother’s relationship. We used to go on long walks together, counting squirrels as we went, telling stories, the kinds of things only a mother and son can find joy in. But then she lost her ability to walk. And with it went her sight. She could no longer regale me with tales, nor see squirrels, let alone count them. I was her nurse, she my patient, and we, together, a pair of aimless souls…
But then I joined the Plague… and that bitch died!
This was no coincidence. I joined the Plague with a quick down payment of one of my kidneys, and they sent this guy to my mom’s house. He smothered my mom with a pillow and finally shut her up about her stupid fucking squirrels. I’d never felt so liberated.
The same was true of my occupation woes. After toiling for so long, unemployed, I work at the Plague now in the sweatshops. FUCK! I’m not actually allowed to call them sweatshops—but luckily the Plague is kind and I will be forgiven if I just give them my other kidney. Anyways, in the, uh, factories, I make mousetraps. This is because, in the Plague dormitories, where I live, FOR FREE!!!!, there are a lot of disease-ridden mice. We have lost friends by the score.
I like my work because it is important!
And lastly, my romantic life has taken a total 180! I have a wife now. Her name is Evelyn, and she is a computer. With a quote unquote “real person”, you never know if you might get cheated on or broken up with. But if you program someone to love you, like we do here at the Plague, you will never have to experience heartbreak like that ever again. You will also never experience the joy of feeling a warm body pressed against you or know what it’s like when someone chooses to love you… or to watch the cool breeze tousle her hair and know that your love is a bond forged by the fires that burn within you… Uh but it’s totally fine cuz if she’s nag nag nagging at ya, you can just minimize her tab and start playing some Minecraft!
In short, the Plague changes your life. To join, all you have to do is part with your kidneys. I mean, what do kidneys even do anyway? Make pee? That’s disgusting.