Personality:

He still thinks college kids play hacky sack. 

He drinks responsibility. Only 3 Bud Lights and no drunk driving, for the most part. 

Guaranteed no sexual scandals cause he’s only sleeping with my mom. He’s like the reverse Eliott Spitzer. 

He plays golf on the weekend with his college buddies.

He said he would be the topic of my college essay if I wanted him to be.

Die hard Jets fan! Doesn’t even punch the wall when they lose. 

Takes good care of his Honda Civic. 

Has given 10 dollars to every homeless person who asked him. Then said, “it's not a hand out, it's a hand up.”

Campaign Promises: 

We can order Papa Johns if we get good grades. 

Won't try to replace our real dad.

Will get us a new iPhone for Christmas.

Will build a treehouse (our real dad is too drunk for that). 

If we get a 1400 on the SAT he’ll give us back our X-Box

Won’t call you gay for listening to emo music. He said he was a big fan of Red Hot Chili Peppers so he   “gets it.”

Who Has Endorsed Him:

My mom

Charlene (my mom)

His wife (my mom)

Me

His real son, Trevor 

Our dog, Bella

Our accountant

Who Opposes Him: 

His college girlfriend

Grandma

What Controversial Stances Does He Have:

A big believer in mustard on hot dogs instead of ketchup.

Is ok with gay people (but he just doesn’t like Modern Family).

Thinks soccer is a stupid sport.

Says if you drive automatic you're a “wussy”.

Doesn’t “care for” cast iron skillets-- says that they’re too much work to maintain.

Jokes that condoms are against the Lord’s Plan but you can’t tell if he really believes it.

Voted for a Libertarian candidate for the past 20 years.

Won’t say “I Love You” out loud.

Won’t buy IKEA because he thinks it's not built to last.