Pisces Season is Hunting Season

February 19, 2021

INDIANAPOLIS, IN— It’s now Pisces season! I’ve been wronged by so many pisces’ in my life that I’ve decided they all must get punished; just all around awful people, pisces. Well, how do I know if they’re a pisces? Easy! Everyone in town celebrates their birthday at the hottest full-service restaurant and games arcade: Dave and Busters.

Every night between 2/19 and 3/20, I sit alone at the bar and observe patrons as they come and go. Some are there with their kids, using the arcade as just another interruption in their philistine lives. Others, in celebration of their depravity, observe their birthday with friends in this establishment. My role is to rob ANYONE with a birthday candle in the cheesecake sampler or sundae special of joy.

My targets give themselves away too easily: as soon as I hear that well-known anthem, “Happy Birthday to You,” I know that their time has come. There is a marginal Russian population, and those parties may sing the Soviet song, “Пусть бегут неуклюже (Pust' begut neuklyuzhe)” by Krokodil Gena. As a trained professional, language is no barrier for me. Anyway, I steal all their Dave and Busters tickets while they’re distracted by expressions of insincere and vacuous affection.

And every year I feel just as satisfied by the sad tears spilled and angry holes punched in the walls of the Dave and Busters bathrooms.