I'm Sorry, I Can't Tonight. I'm Watching Ted 2.

Like the star of Ted 2, Mark Wahlberg, I consider myself a “go-getter.” Part of what makes me and Wahlberg some of the best “go-getters” is that we both play golf at four o’clock in the morning. For me, the perfect day consists of going to golf, going to the gym, going to the boardroom, going to the bedroom, then going to the library, and finally finishing off the day at Happy Hour with my girlfriend and her trainer. Usually, I have an hour block dedicated to spontaneity. But tonight is a little different. I’m very sorry I can’t make your Improv showcase, though I’m happy to hear that you have a new hobby. I just have to watch Ted 2.

I’ve decided to watch Ted 2 on Thursday evenings at around 8 PM, after Happy Hour with Diane (my girlfriend) and Jeremy (her trainer). This has proven to be an effective way for me to get closer to Mr. Wahlberg. It shows him at his most honest, most pure, and least racist. Sure, it isn’t the best Wahl-flick, not even the best Ted, but it’s important to be familiar with the entire Wahl-canon if I am to sincerely expect greatness from myself. I’m almost done memorizing the lines and scene choreography!

By the time I commit Ted 2 to heart, Ted 3 will be released and I’ll have a whole different can of beans to deal with. But I look forward to that day— I don’t fear it at all.