SPORTS: Mets vs Rockies Game Review

Denver, CO-- The Mets played the Rockies on April 17, 2021 at Coors Field. One of our editors was lucky enough to snag a seat at the game in the mile-high city! This is her review, if you can call it that:

The teams that were playing were the "New York" "Mets" (does it stand for metropolitans?) and the "Colorado" "Rockies" (this one's obvious-- the Rockies are the big mountains in Colorado!). The little men on the play-area were so cute in their tiny little striped outfits, like gentle jailbirds! It was strange how small the actual play-area was compared to the big sitting area.

One man, the pitcher (but not for drinking!), would give the ball a kiss then throw it towards the other man in the corner. That other man was "at bat" and would have to hit the ball with the wooden stick-- but ONLY if the ball was thrown correctly. What's weird is that these are professionals and even they messed up a bunch. For example, in Act 4 of 7 the "Rockies" got three runs! (A run is when a man touches all the clean white among the sand.) The New Yorkers, Jews, and Italians were pretty angry about that-- you could hear their groans of defeat all around. And we all know how loud both Jews and Italians can be! Those groans made the Metropolitans feel bad, like absolute disgusting losers. But it also gave them the pressure needed to get back on top of the leaderboard. We (New Yorkers, Jews, and Italians) would all sing "Let's Go Mets" to give them life-blood-fuel and, hey! They won!

Them winning meant we could wear our blue and orange caps out of the stadium without the threat of being beaten up by some stinky boys.

What was most interesting was the food. The sitting-area employees would place a pink, hot long in between beige softs. I ate my schlong with the red, and my baseball-loving slampig ate his with the red AND the yellow. That was gross, to me. People were also eating small crunchies with scrummies on top, like orange wet and green goop with black rounds. I wanted the small crunchies, too, but only with the orange wet-- no other toppies. Yum!

I really, really wanted to catch one of the balls that they threw for funsies, but was too weak, and also too small. Overall, it was scary being surrounded by so many "sports" fans. You can't predict them! The fans behind us were talking about the upcoming Jake Paul fight and various seltzer brands. I wanted to tell them that Topo Chico is actually mineral water, but since I am a woman, I knew that their jock ears wouldn't pick up the soundwaves of my tender voice. So instead of barging into an A-B conversation, I zipped up my plump lips and looked pretty, just in case one of those millionaire gentle jailbirds caught my eye...