The Hole Story

NEEDED: DONUT HOLER
3/17/2021 at 2:02 PM

Looking urgently for someone with the necessary skills to enter “Fran and Pats Ole Fashioned Donuts” on Broadway and 5th Avenue to punch holes in everything they can get their hands on. Yes, this includes fritters, apple turnovers, and even the sign outside. I will provide a ski mask and a brick as well as a getaway scooter. This needs to be done ASAP, and do not under any circumstances let them catch you alive.

NEEDED: DONUT FILLER
3/17/2021 at 3:11 PM

Some sick freak broke into our donut shop and punched holes in every deep fried pastry we had in stock. Desperately searching for someone with the necessary skills to refill every perverted pastry in our store. We are unable at this time to provide information on the evildoer, however we are actively searching the streets of New York to the fullest extent that donut money can provide. Anyone with information related to this massacre will be rewarded (with donuts).