Horoscopes!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 20): A romantic partner from your past is going to visit you on Wednesday. Be sure to have Claude Debussy's 'Clair de Lune' playing when they do. If you fail to queue up the early-twentieth century bop, you may have to listen to your old flame talk about books that they own but haven't yet read. Snoozefest!

Pisces (February 21 - March 20): You’re gonna have a fishy week! Be careful— the waters are filled with sharks. And you have to present them a reason to NOT eat your flesh. Next week, who knows? 

Aries (March 21 - April 20): Double check in on your plants. One of them has not only died, but is now rotting. Yeah, that's what that smell is. Piu, stinky!

Taurus (April 21 - May 20): This is gonna be a CRAZY week for you, you bold and bombacious bushy eyebrowed bull. Get ready for a new Trader Joe's product to launch that MUST be incorporated into your daily lunch-snack. What's it gonna be? What's the new sweety treaty going to be-be? What's going to go yummy yum in the little tummy tum? Only time will reveal what the bitey-witey little treaty yum yum is, so be excited!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Like the eminent Superman, Gemini possesses two faces. This week, be sure to repeat the following meditation to yourself during your morning routine: "I am Clark Kent, Clark Kent is me. My dick is as tall as a tree. Superman, super guy; my penis has a big eye."

Cancer (June 21 - July 20): The doctors said it’s DEFINITELY breast cancer.

Leo (July 21 - August 20): Watch out! Here they come! They're coming to get you!

Virgo (August 21 - September 20): You WILL lose your virginity again this week. I'm sure you're wondering, how can I lose my virginity again? What BigVirginity doesn't want you to know is that virgos have infinite V-Cards. It resets every third Friday of the month, and coincidentally that's also when you will debut your work at the local Art Walk! Looks like it'll a Friday Funday, indeed...

Libra (September 21 - October 20): Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scorpio (October 21 - November 20): Pinch as many people as possible today or else you'll be resin-cast into a lollipop for STING himself. 

Sagittarius (November 21 - December 20): Going somewhere this week? Best to postpone that trip... Mars is in Jupiter for the next 9 days.

Capricorn (December 21 - January 20): You'll be fighting your demons until you find a different source for medicinal herbal remedies. That delivery service won't get to you until at least next Sunday, at which point you'll be able to rest again.