Nomad Housing Ad

We all love NYC, except I don't anymore. This city has finally gotten the best of me and I will soon be evacuating for greener pastures (New Jersey). As such I must leave my current apartment, and am putting it on the market. The listing is as follows:

Amenities: Living in this building is a great deal. You won’t have to pay electricity bills because there’s no electricity. Not to worry, though. In the summer, we provide a unique method of air conditioning. This historic building was a former tenement and the site of a horrific fire in 1902, so just find the specter of an impoverished Irish immigrant and escape the summer heat with its ghostly chill! The room comes with a small tire fire for heating and cooking. You will need it to purify the water, since the building was built before the invention of water tanks, and we currently rely on a system of indentured homeless people to shovel snow from the streets and melt it down into drinking water. On the plus side, the water is extra rich in nutrients like road salt and cholera. Speaking of nutrition, each room comes with a small vegetable garden of the fungi variety. Put those shroomies in a salad or sell them to local teens! The building does not have a gym; but the rats in the building do have rabies, and we provide a complimentary tennis racket for beating them back which doubles as a great workout! Our building’s number one claim to fame is our luxurious rooftop access with a great view of the surrounding brick walls. Many residents tell us it makes for a great place to realize the futility of life and contemplate suicide or go on a romantic date! Just be careful to avoid Mark, he’s not dangerous or anything, he just talks too much about his wife.

Location: Stationed directly in the center of Pigeon Park, on the intersection of 300th St. and Marjorie Taylor Greene Memorial Parkway. Located peripheral to all your favorite restaurants, namely, one called the 'Frog Hole' which serves during the hours of 1-4 (AM and PM). Need to do your laundry? Head to one of the seven laundromats that physically surround the building. There’s no escape. For a fun night on the town go down to the A/C/E subway station on the corner, take a left and two rights, and you’ll see a door marked “beyond?” Open it and you’ll find the only Bed Bath and Beyond in the city that doubles as a backroom poker game on Thursdays. What a hoot!

Price: I know you’re probably wondering, for an apartment this nice and with that many amenities, something must be up. How much does it cost? One-hundred-thousand? Two-hundred-thousand? An arm, a leg and a kidney severed in an ice-filled bathtub on East Fourteenth Street? No-- I am a humble seller and have no ulterior motives in offering this purchase. I’m not asking for your organs (though I will gladly accept if offered). When we get down to it, all I ask is your soul. That’s right. Your soul. For the low, low price of eternal damnation, you can get your foot in the New York real estate game. Picture it, waking up to the sounds of sex-crazed neighbors in the apartment above, the smells of sewage pipes bursting on the floor below, and an unidentifiable stench emanating all around. It’s all within reach if you simply give yourself over to me the dark lord, Lucifer. Frankly, it’s a bargain.

For all serious offers and inquiries, please direct them to my loyal subject and part time realtor, Sofia Vergara.

Sincerely,

Your anti-lord and anti-savior. Crown prince of darkness, etc., etc.

Satan