Mr. Tonintini Continues Mayoral Bid
Dear Valued Constituents,
It is with the utmost respect and candor that I, your prospective mayoral candidate Tony Tonintini III, write to you with a clouded mind and a heavy heart. Literally, my heart has increased in mass four times since the start of this campaign. Maybe it’s the dollar pizza?
In light of recent criticism surrounding suggestions of impropriety on my part -- you dumb fucks -- I would like to remind you all of my substantial policy initiatives:
1. Switching tap water source to East River. In the past, the city’s tap water has come from the Catskill Reservoir. While this has been the source of our famously good tap water, I’ve always had a problem with it: it isn’t from New York City. I’ve always had a belief that if the people of this city are “NYC Strong” then our tap water should be, too. Now one might think, “Tony, won’t I die if I drink water from the East River?” My answer is, some people might. According to medical experts from both Mount Sinai and the Staten Island University Hospital, the body is 60% water. With this policy, the bodies of my fellow New Yorkers won’t only be 60% water, but also a percentage of Tony Rigatoni, Mario Bucatini and Luigi Rotini (may they rest in peace).
2. Putting Seats on Top of MTA Cars. We all know how difficult it is to find a spot on the subway train. Especially with the uptick in roving gangs of manic masturbaters stick-ifying our seats and hand rails, it only makes sense to provide additional seating. It is with this in mind that I propose placing seats on top of the MTA train cars. My advisors tell me, “Tony, how will you fit seats on top of the train? Some of those tunnels are only six inches higher than the tops of the cars.” After much debate, I would like to announce my official solution: duck. This is the same thing I say to my “political analysts” when they encounter armed opposition in Little Italy.
3. The Penn Station Minotaur. Until very recently, the famed Penn Station Minotaur has wreaked havoc to our historic train station of architectural grandeur. It has been spotted on numerous occasions breaking escalators, throwing pizza crusts across the floor, and asking teenagers if they are lost. Nearly a century later, we have solved this issue by constructing roughly three more tunnels to confuse our Minotaur to stay lost in the depths of the train station, staying hidden from travelers. Its success can be seen by the number of adventurers in search of the Minotaur never to be seen again.
4. “Save the Ratthews,” a program for Rat Adoption and Protection in the Inter-borough Subway Tunnels (RAPIST Program for short) As we all know, the New York City subway is notoriously overpopulated by little Ratthews and Ratbekahs running across our feet. Our plan to combat this dire issue is the soon-to-be instituted RAPIST Program hosted by the "Save the Ratthews" Foundation! This is how it’s gonna work: each New York City resident who travels via subway will now be encouraged to pick out a furry little friend and bring it home! There are no adoption fees, rather, you will be awarded a $500 prize with each rat. We plan to divert funds from the department of education in order to support this initiative.
Again, I would like to make it clear that I did not throw that body in the East River. That was just me taking out my body-sized trash in a carpet. As you do. My “campaign advisor” Joe Pesci has repeatedly told me that “No matter what happens in this city. You always gotta take out the trash.”
Your Future Mayor Don Tony Tonintininininininininininininini III