Angry McDonald's Customer Kills Baby

THE BRONX, NY-- A terrible tragedy occurred this week at the McDonald's near Yankee Stadium. “It all started when I told him the ice-cream machine was broken,” McDonald's employee Alexander Supertramp told reporters Thursday night once police had left the scene. “He held the kid like you'd hold a cellphone, except harder and it was a baby.” Witnesses claim that the suspect was said to be red in the face, screaming obscenities and throttling the infant like a shake weight powered by atomic fission.

There is evidence that the man had previously worked at a McDonald's franchise restaurant dressed as Grimace. It came as a shock to many that an essential worker like him would do such a thing. "He should be used to the ice-cream machine being broke," Supertramp said. "He comes here every Tuesday and Thursday, but this is the first time I've ever seen him so mad... he usually leaves change in the jar for cancer kids, too. Seemed like a normal guy."

After the suspect had shaken the child to death, it was said he broke into the kitchen, grabbed various burger ingredients, and then proceeded to make a sandwich with the corpse. He then yelled, “Who ordered the McBaby!” before placing the dead-child-sandwich, wrapped, in a paper bag and fleeing the scene.

When questioned about the incident, McDonald's Ceo Ronald P. Mcdonald had this to say: “It's a terrible thing, to see someone so young, so full of promise, so perfectly supple and tender die in such a tragic circumstance. This is a sad, sad stain on the McDonald's-land Community. To show that we are taking drastic steps to prevent this from happening, new security is being implemented at all McDonald's locations; I promise you no more beautiful young children will be fatally jerked by customers ever again. But no, we will not be investigating broken ice-cream machines. The NYPD can surely talk someone out of infanticide next time.” Not one to make empty promises, Mr. McDonald has asked the Grimace family to be stationed at the front door of every franchise along with local police officers; all patrons are now legally required to accept a thorough pat down as, to quote Mr. McDonald, “no one escapes Grimace’s fingers.”

Anyone with information on the short, (sickly, pale) white suspect is encouraged to inform the Grimace family. They have more power than any law enforcement in the McDee's community. They will handle the consequences and serve justice to the newly-childless parents who just really, really wanted McNuggets at the wrong time, and at wrong place. May the infant rest in peace.