White Black Jack Black

August 13th, 2008

Tropic Thunder has premiered in theaters nationwide. The film has already garnered some notoriety for Robert Downey Jr.’s controversial performance in blackface; or better put, his performance as an Australian giving a performance as a black guy.

Two middle-aged men in particular—a white Jew and a black Haitian—shuffle out to the Jew’s car not saying a word to each other. They drive out of the parking lot and stop at a redlight, still silent.

The Jew finally decides to address the elephant in the room.

Jew: You know, Robert Downey Jr. was pretty good in that.

Haitian: Yeah, he was pretty funny.

Jew: Must be kinda hard to play a...

The Jew shifts in his seat.

Jew: Uh...Jack Black was also really good.

Haitian: Man, that shit with the cocaine—

Jew: That shit with the cocaine!

They chuckle together.

Jew: Fact, he probably coulda done just a good a job as Downey Jr.

Haitian: I could see that.

Jew: But then he’d have been Black Jack Black.

They chuckle together, feeling more at ease now.

Haitian: Black Jack Black. Wow. That’s good.

Jew: And you know how Robert Downey Jr. got that medical procedure to turn his skin black? What if Jack Black, instead of changing his skin color, got plastic surgery to have the features of a black guy, but still had white skin? Broader nose, bigger lips, whiter teeth—White Black Jack Black.

The Haitian laughs and the Jew joins him.

Jew: But by this point, he’s become an incredibly open-minded person, so he decides to follow the path of Allah, converts to Islam, and adds Muhammed to his name-- White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah.
But now he also considers himself incredibly progressive so he marries a woman of color and takes on her surname: White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah Menendez.

Haitian: Wait— what?

Jew: Yeah... haha.

Haitian: Why would he take on her surname?

Jew: He’s pretty tubby too, right? Guy’s gotta love his Chinese food, incorporate a lotta Asian condiments into his home recipes. White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah Menendez Lee Kum Kee.

Haitian: The chili oil? Man, shut the hell—

Jew: White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah Menendez Lee Kum Kee—!

The passenger door slams shut. The Jew looks over to see the Haitian stepping around cars, making his way through an empty right-turn lane toward the sidewalk.

Jew: Haitian—Haitian man! Come back! It was funny!

The Haitian man glares over his shoulder.

Not even half a second later, an Audi R8 plows through him and sends his body sprawling across the pavement in a trail of blood.

The Jew screams, leaps out of his car, drops to his knees beside the Haitian’s corpse.

The driver’s door of the Audi R8 opens. Robert Downey Jr. stands out of the car in aviator sunglasses and a three-piece suit with a line of cocaine on his index finger. He looks at his bloodied car hood.

Downey Jr.: Siri, add bleach to my shopping list.

Robert Downey Jr. shoves his entire index finger up his right nostril, snorts, and screams, trembling violently. The Jew, holding back tears, stares in disbelief.

The passenger door of the Huracan clicks open. The Jew looks over.

An approximately 5’6” fatman saunters, face smeared in cocaine. His facial features dramatically contrast with his white skin. He wears an Islamic thawb skirt stretching down to his toes, a sombrero, a conical hat on top of the sombrero, and a fez on top of the conical hat on top of the sombrero. The Jew’s expression drops.

Downey Jr.: White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah Menendez Lee Kum Kee, get back in the car!

The Jew locks eyes with White Black Jack Black Muhammed Al-Bin Shallah Menendez Lee Kum Kee. All sound mutes around them. A low-frequency, deeply unsettling rumble permeates the air and penetrates the Jew’s ears, filling him with terror, as White Black Jack Black whispers to him from afar—

“Skadoosh.”