Image courtesy of the Museum of Ice Cream Public Education Program
New York City’s beloved tourist trap, The Museum of Ice Cream, has opened up a new Park Slope location, offering Montessori education courses to all Brooklyn students. “As a museum, we must serve as resources of public knowledge. I believe it is our responsibility to offer alternative education to supplement the lacking curriculums offered in schools,” said spokesman and museum director Beau Pennyworth III.
Chevy, a third grader at PS 39, is currently majoring in Vanilla Ice Cream, with a minor in Chocolate Sauce. “I can’t read,” said Chevy, gorging on Museum of Ice Cream brand Triple Whammy Bombs Away Milkshake.
“School textbooks sadly do not tell students about the history of ice cream -- how it’s good for you, it has always been good for you, and it will never be bad for you. It’s all politics, which is sad, because it’s at the expense of the education of our children,” stated Pennyworth at a press conference from his Southampton home.
The curriculum also offers ice cream making courses, which is basically advanced physics, according to the course registrar, Kimmy Gelato. “Students at regular schools are always asking, how will I use math in real life? Who’s Shakespeare? What’s a book? But at our school, we deal with the real world: ice cream, how to eat it, what toppings are good, how you should buy more of it. It’s just more practical,” explained Gelato.
Park Slope parents are huge fans of the program, as attendance rates from public schools skyrocket to 80 percent. Stacy, a PS 39 mom, was decked out in Museum of Ice Cream merch, including a Museum of Ice Cream bumper sticker reading My Blood Runs Cherry Garcia. “I love the Museum of Ice Cream. I say replace all the schools with the Museum of Ice Cream.”
“Politicians want to take away ice cream from your kids,” stated Pennyworth, holding up a cup of Museum of Ice Cream’s Hudson River Sludge Surprise. “Now, I can’t speak for them, but I can speak for the American people at home. They’re tough, their kids are tough, and by golly, they love their ice cream.”