ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART
Were the pyramids built by the Egyptians? No, silly. The Hebrews? Nice try. Aliens? Who are you even kidding? Any historical empiricist acting in their right mind would realize that Egypt’s greatest achievements were built by none other than four time Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter, Art Garfunkel.
“Art Garfunkle?” you exclaim, shocked by my superior deductive abilities. Yes, that Aurt Gaurfunccle, of Simon and Gärfüñkëll fame. What else did you think he was up to while Paul Simon was making Graceland?
Ardtt Gwarfinlke spent the vast majority of his royalties from “The Graduate Soundtrack” to covertly construct three shrines to his own songwriting ability. Try and find a picture of the pyramids from before 1967. I bet you can’t do it.
Archaeologists were shocked upon discovering strange inscriptions in the inner sanctum of the pyramids. Set in gold hieroglyphics against the plain rock wall, a sacred tablet roughly translated to say:
“Who's gonna shoe your pretty little feet? Who's gonna glove your little hand? Who's gonna kiss your ruby red lips? Who-oo-oo-a?”
No answer seemed to reveal itself to the archaeologists. Indeed, who would shoe their pretty little feet? … Who-oo-oo-a? All was revealed after entering the chamber of the second pyramid. A reply, etched upon a similarly immaculate golden tome:
“Papa's gonna shoe your pretty little feet. Mama's gonna glove your little hand. And I'm gonna kiss your ruby red lips. Mm mm mm m.”
Of course! Any self-respecting music aficionado would recognize these as the lyrics off of Ert Gurfungal’s 1997 masterpiece, Songs from a Parent to a Child. The archaeologists who missed this connection in the first place were promptly executed and subsequently demoted.
Armed with this information, historians confronted Ghirftunccaleo at his Manhattan apartment where the musician promptly cowered in the corner and waited for Paul Simon to come and explain everything.